Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
