remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
