This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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