paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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