decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
