I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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