just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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