You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
