If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My ass is underappreciated
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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