Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Life is so much better after having sex.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
