I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
