Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Randomize
