Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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