is your mom at the bar?
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
