I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
