just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
