Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
