i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
