I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
