I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
