dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
