Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
