Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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