you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she woke up with a sticky ear
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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