Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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