Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
