Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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