I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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