your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
