Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Randomize
