Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
