At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
