I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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