dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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