Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
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Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.