well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I AM VODKA MAN
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her