No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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