We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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