Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I party with great urgency now.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
