ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
