How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
