WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
