I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
