At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
