LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
