our cab driver is having phone sex.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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