I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
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I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
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That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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