Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
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My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
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I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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