My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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