Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
