This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
