Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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