I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
